A while ago, I discovered an awesome little site where a gamer had posted a list of things he is no longer allowed to do while gaming. These are a lot of funny anecdotes that most gamers will be able to relate to. When I first found the site, it was titled 500 things Mr. Welch is no longer allowed to do. It is now up to almost 2000. And a remarkable percentage of those are giggle-worthy. If you haven't been, please check out the link in my links panel- Mr. Welch's List.
But in any case, I have gone through and picked out a bunch that most readily apply to Star Wars (well, for the most part). And... here they are (this is a long list!)
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot"
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice.
464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters.
466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional.
470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers.
474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics.
486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.
495. No supplying my own canned applause.
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock"
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is 'thank you' not 'took your freaking time!'
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice.
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
576. I can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
579. "Pimp my Death Star" is not a real show, and I'd better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this.
582. I can't thwart the Rebel Alliance's attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional "flay" setting for my pistol.
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.
668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols.
669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children.
670. While I'm fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it.
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
697. No "accidentally" crosswiring the X-Wing's fire control and ejection seat switches.
707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.
728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar.
735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
766. No more Crazy Ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT.
788. "You take the scary one" is not our default battle strategy.
792. Despite the movie's claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
796. In the middle of the black ops can't lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO's office.
797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
811. In the middle of a black ops can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
815. Somebody doesn't "accidentally" fall on two dozen shanks.
816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader's throne.
851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved.
866. Even if it's catchy, I don't have to yell my battlecry everytime I roll to attack.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.
877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes.
883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
908. I can't take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
915. On second thought, let's not disguise the wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms.
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason.
990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the medtech for malpractice.
1001. No matter how bad the game is going, I won't stradle the table like Slim Pickens riding a bomb.
1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks...BAD IDEA
1013. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills.
1021. Can't use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince the stormtroopers the Droids over there are the Droids they are looking for.
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live.
1025. If I have two cyberarms, they have to be on different sides.
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games.
1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
1048. I will not attempt to overdose on Rogaine so I can disguise myself as a wookie.
1065. Even if we are playing in the New Republic era, I can't call dibs on Boba Fett's armor.
1067. I do not get to put remote detonation switches into the weapons of any PC's I build them for.
1070. Even if we are Womprat hunting, we don't have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange.
1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn't mean I have to take advantage of it.
1078. If 48 straight hours of pistol whipping doesn't convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won't either.
1092. If the battle goes for 20 rounds, we don't have to stop and wait for the zamboni guy to clean up the battlefield.
1093. I will not tell the rookies they can roll down their Y-Wing's windows.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.
1104. There is a limit to how much innuendo I can fit into one combat round.
1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on my minigun doesn't work.
1119. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed.
1124. I will leave out mating rituals when presenting a cultural exchange with diplomatic ambassadors.
1141. In the middle of a Black Ops I will not look at the target's HR files to see if they have better benefits.
1147. I will lick the Rodian's antennae and stick him to the wall while he sleeps.
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target.
1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
1152. Even if given detailed instructions on pages 50-51, can't take Cloud City on a joy ride.
1159. If I don't have any points in medtech, I can't try faith healing.
1160. We will not end every adventure with a public service announcement.
1171. I will not send the villain a fake message his mother is coming then attack him while he's cleaning.
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.
1186. In the middle of a black ops my buttocks is forbidden from making contact with the target's copy machine.
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
1201. 'Just blow them out the airlock' is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
1202. Even if it's totally feasible, I can't indefinitely stall our rivals with a bureaucracy check.
1204. Smartass is not a character role.
1212. Even if they'd never suspect it, my Jedi can't have a flamethrower.
1216. I can't have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
1227. The Death Star does not need a cabin boy.
1239. No part of the adventure is clothing optional.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1258. Can't base my character off a smurf.
1296. No we can't weld the Star Destroyer's bridge shut.
1299. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't compose an offensive joke on the target CEO's email and CC the entire company.
1319. I will only use the module's suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away.
1322. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters. Ingrate.
1325. Black and Decker does not make droids either.
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
1330. Getting someone to spot for me is not going to give me a bonus on a strength check.
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
1349. I will not program the medical droid for "aggressive dentistry."
1353. I will stop trying to get a reality TV show for our Black Ops team.
1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain's plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1360. Woodchippers, while useful, aren't normal gear for a Black Ops.
1373. If we can't fit the droid in the freighter, I can't play him.
1375. Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point.
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair.
1388. Characters wanting to join the party do not have to undergo the Flash Gordon tree monster ceremony.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art.
1397. Count on a back up villain if we ace the first one in two rounds without damage.
1398. I will not give my preteen kids my work number, especially if I'm on a Black Ops.
1425. Lying about benefits being cut are not going make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later.
1430. If the party goes out like 300, that's cool. Thelma and Louise not so much.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
1451. Cannot name my Droid WEG-D6
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters' kids to sleep before, during or after the black ops.
1498. Shooting him in the foot first does not give me a bonus to the ridicule check.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1518. My Sniper will not kill all the bad guys before the rest of the party is in range.
1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't sell my niece's band candy to the hostages.
1526. Can't use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
1541. While highly effective, grabbing his a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1552. My Lunar Class Cruiser has more than one bathroom.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
1571. Can't bluff the Empire at Hoth with just a whole bunch of snowmen.
1596. Even if she's the most dangerous, the party doesn't appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1604. When told to pick a number between 1 and 10, the answer is not pi.
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
1628. If all the players have to pool there d6's so I can roll for initiative, time to retire the character.
1630. Starships do not have to drop anchor.
1633. If Plan A was 'Beat it out of him' Plan B can't be 'Just ask nicely'
1637. 'Dibs' is not a term of bereavement.
1639. No giving a character a dumb name so he can pick fights over it later.
1640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.
1654. A warning shot is not one that just wounds him.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
1673. I will not start dating another character's archenemy.
1675. If an enemy fails a stun check, that does not give me a free hit for flinching.
1676. Before I get it on with the green chick, I'll make sure she's supposed to be that color.
1678. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1694. Debauchery is not a stat.
1699. The Astromech appreciates it if we'd stop using him for ordinance delivery.
1706. Before anybody makes a demolitions check, I will raise my hand if my skill is the highest.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can't play 'will it bounce' with the penthouse furniture.
1713. It is not necessary for the villain to say 'Uncle' before I accept his surrender.
1714. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art.
1718. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
1728. Can't have a gun that doubles as a jump jet.
1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
1734. We aren't continuing the mission until everybody is clear on the term "Going in hardcore"
1738. Even if I write it, can't have my own theme song.
1740. If the villain performs a kind act, can't blackmail him with it later.
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
1757. The princess' menstral cycle doesn't factor into her rescue.
1759. Doesn't matter what I just killed with it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for holy relic.
1761. Star Destroyers are already baby proofed.
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.