Thursday, September 6, 2012

Mr. Welch's List - Revisted

Mr. Welch's List has been a favorite of mine for years now- and has been featured in my 'links' section since I started this place. Every now and then I like to go back to his site to catch up on his ever expanding list of "Things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG". It is a must for all gamers. Fun fun stuff. Below are some of my 'selects' from his most recent batch, starting at the 1500 mark... I've divided them into a few categories for your reading pleasure.

First up are the Star Wars and 'general gaming' related items. Heh heh.

1510. The Movie Phone Guy can't be the voice of the ship's computer.
1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't sell my niece's band candy to the hostages.
1525. I will not waste critical successes on drumming.
1526. Can't use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the the DM's riddle.
    (Personal note: Yeah. Everyone has heard that Tolkien Egg Riddle)
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
      (Personal note: Starring Beatrice Arthur!)
1571. Can't bluff the Empire at Hoth with just a whole bunch of snowmen.
1581. I will stop using crew as hit points.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.
1596. Even if she's the most dangerous, the party doesn't appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
    (Personal note: What does that make me, boy?!)
1633. If Plan A was 'Beat it out of him' Plan B can't be 'Just ask nicely'
1637. 'Dibs' is not a term of bereavement.
1647. Any character requiring the GM to tab more than 10 pages of rules for reference is vetoed.
1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean 'he likes to watch'.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
1675. If an enemy fails a stun check, that does not give me a free hit for flinching.
1676. Before I get it on with the green chick, I'll make sure she's supposed to be that color.
1678. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1699. The Astromech appreciates it if we'd stop using him for ordinance delivery.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can't play 'will it bounce' with the penthouse furniture.
1718. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself.
    (Personal note: Not OtherSpace—LevarSpace!)
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
1734. We aren't continuing the mission until everybody is clear on the term "Going in hardcore"
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
1757. The princess' menstral cycle doesn't factor into her rescue.
1761. Star Destroyers are already baby proofed.
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.
1776. They don't make weapon grade schnauzers.
1808. Even if I buy enough for everybody, snuggies alone will not raise crew morale.
1809. If I get to pick my position in a star spanning empire, can't pick Fire Chief.
1815. Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo.
1829. Darth Vader does not need his air filter changed.
1834. Star Destroyers don't have help desks.
1868. Playing "The Who" doesn't give me a bonus to forensic checks.
1873. Stormtroopers will only fall for the broken comlink trick so many times.
    (Personal note: Same goes for "Omega Particles")
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly. (Personal note: So true)
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber.
1902. Playing a Gamorrean doesn't violate anybody's religion.
1906. I will ask permission before performing an autopsy in another character's hideout.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.
1922. Can't air hump the king from behind while he's performing demagoguery.
1927. Can't filibuster other characters.
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.
1940. Blasting the distress signal from orbit is forbidden, even if it would have avoided the last six ambushes.
1982. Even if the GM's pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can't use her for cover.
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun.
1990. Even if we crashed the opening of the last eight adventures, still have to name our new starship.
    (Personal note: So true)
2002.  No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the start of the adventure.
2003.  Any gun who's damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
2006.  Torpedo spheres don't just go off on accident.
2007.  No taunting Darth Maul with the fact Uncle Owen had more lines, more screen time and a more memorable death.
2032.  If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die.  Not just in this game either.
2033.  Even if the rules allow it, I can't conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time.
2036.  Darth Harmonious is not a real Sith Lord.
2037.  No matter how many times it's already been retconned, I can't change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play.
2038.  Even if it's a friendly pick up game, it's a bad idea to dunk on Vader.
2065. Even if I buy off the Nemesis disadvantage doesn't mean we can't still be enemies.
2066. Snipers don't appreciate their spotter yelling out "BOOM HEADSHOT!"
2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear.
2076.  If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.

Now for a few D&D related things. And yes, I do enjoy making fun of elves.

1503. Despite what the rules say, it doesn't take 45 minutes to choke a 10th level fighter to death.
1535. The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow.
1536. Before we start the dungeon crawl, I don't have to have my monk oiled down.
1585. Vegipygmies are not a part of this complete breakfast.
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1735. "Come here often?" is not what you say when rescuing the princess from the necromancer's dungeon.
1737. There is no par on a dragon.
1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
1796. The halfling language is not just baby speak.
1797. Getting the dwarf fixed isn't going to improve his disposition.
1849. There is too an elven word for monogamy.
1850. There is also an elven word for heterosexual.
1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn't stand for trouble.
1865. No wasting Music Man references on a 10th grader.
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
1910. I don't need to know the melting point of orcs.
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that including beating him against the dwarf.
2030.  Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design
2070. The spell is "Heat Metal", not "Detect Piercings".

And finally, some miscellaneous stuff, mostly chosen for personal reasons...

1506. It is not automatically assumed whatever vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
    (Personal note: I disagree)
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren't exactly healthy to vampires.
1540. Can't lure out House Laio mechwarriors by announcing a Chinese Firedrill.
    (Personal note: For you, Todd)
1574. I do not have to scan the Romulan ambassador for cooties.
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.
1623. Can't thwart the Cylon's massive attack just by installing Norton Antivirus.
1759. Doesn't matter what I just killed with it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for holy relic.
1830. Deer Season is restricted to rifle or bow. Not greco-roman.
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
2004.  Just because I took the large advantage does not let me rampage through Tokyo at will.
2009.  I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunettes with short hair.
2063. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Antman and Spiderman, Red Snapperman is not a legitimate superhero name.
    (Personal note: Red Snappa. Verry tasty!)
2075. Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to land my Veritech like Ironman on the deck of the carrier every single time.

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